Self Reliance column
I’m really proud of my client Amy. She has come a long way in the last 6 months.
She was prompted to search for a Life Coach after her partner had expressed his concern that she had become dependent upon him for everything and as a result lacked independence and a life for herself, which made him feel uncomfortable. Initially, she took this personally and thought that maybe he didn’t want to be with her anymore.
However, I encouraged her to talk to him about this and after having a heart to heart she discovered that all he wanted her to do was to become more self-reliant and confident within herself, so that their relationship could be better and flourish.
“I understand what my partner wants. It makes sense to build something for myself and then bring it back into our relationship but I don’t know how to do this. We’ve been together for 6 years and I’ve lost touch with my friends and have become more dependent upon him and as a result don’t feel very confident anymore.”
To try and build Amy’s self-reliance we also needed to do some work on her self confidence, which we did using some of the techniques below: –
1. Assess your self reliance levels
Write down your answers to the following questions: –
– Do you need other people’s opinions in order to make your decisions?
– Do you frequently need positive feedback from people?
– Do you feel you need people around you a lot?
– Do you find it hard to trust in your own judgement?
– Do you find it hard to go out to social or work events on your own?
If you answered “yes” to more than two of these questions then you can work on increasing your self-reliance levels.
2. Spend time alone
Put aside at least 2 to 3 evenings or daytimes a week where you are alone doing some sort of activity such as reading, gym, pursuing your own personal projects, etc. Enjoy this time you spend with yourself.
3. Take a risk
Do something alone that you’d normally not consider. For example, go for lunch, a drink; go to the cinema. Not only does this take you out of your comfort zone but also encourages you to enjoy your own company.
4. Support yourself
Be your own best friend. Don’t beat yourself and call yourself names. Be encouraging and congratulate yourself when you achieve things.
5. Keep something back
When you meet people don’t feel as if you need to blurt out your whole life story straight away. Hold some things back so you’re not overly exposed or come across as desperate to build rapport and have their regard. It’s important not to come across as needy as this is can be a real turn off and seen as unattractive.
6. Listen more
The more you listen to others rather than you being the one to do all the talking, the more you learn. Feel secure in being able to listen and not compete in the conversation. There is no need to exaggerate and be artificially enthusiastic just to get approval from others.
7. Don’t overdo the compliments
If you find yourself giving compliments on a constant basis, stop. If you’re seen as the person who always gives compliments then this can dilute your true sentiments and have less of an effect on people. Don’t be a person pleaser.
8. Be elusive
Don’t make yourself too available. Don’t chase people or make too many calls. The more you want someone the more they will pull back.
9. Be strong
Be confident in your decisions and opinions. Don’t always feel as if you need to ask others what to do or affirm your ideas. Look to yourself.
10. Accept yourself
Concentrate on your strengths and unique qualities rather than focusing on the negativities you have about yourself. Don’t put yourself down in front of others as it makes them feel uncomfortable and makes you seem weak and a victim that needs help.
“With Rebekah’s help I rely on myself a lot more. I’m more confident and sure of myself. I still love my partner and our relationship is so much healthier as a result. I can now see that I had to change
Rebekah Fensome is a Life Coach and hypnotherapist based in London. She can be contacted on rebekah.fensome@gmail.com and visit her website www.rebekahfensomelifecoach.com.
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