Coping with break up
XXX 2007 – “the client who got through her tough break up”
I’m so proud of my client Susan, a 30-year-old TV producer from London. She’s just got through a nasty break up with her partner of 8 years and is now looking to the future.
Six months ago she came to me not knowing what to do with her life. She had been with her partner since University and they had the same set friends and were as close to each others families as they were to their own. How could she move on and forget about him after so many great experiences and so much shared history? He had broken up with her so she felt she’d lost control: “I’m not in control of my life anymore. Everything was like a completed jigsaw and now one of the biggest pieces are missing. I can’t believe he has wrecked something that was so good.”
Together we explored her anger and feeling of loss of control and began to make some headway. After a course of fifteen sessions spread over six months she learnt how to get the control back and discover what she wanted from her future. Here are some of the coaching techniques that Susan used to help her gain the clarity to move on:
1. Face up to it
Firstly, you have to accept your break up. Explore and express your feelings by writing them down. Release your negative emotions in a letter to your ex expressing your pain and hurt. You don’t have to send it, and if you do you shouldn’t expect a reply, but either way it should have a cathartic effect and make you feel you’ve dealt with those feelings. This technique is also useful to alleviate guilty feelings after instigating a break up because once your emotions are out in the open then it’s easier to deal with them. Taking control of your emotions like this will help you feel less afraid of the future.
2. The past is the past
Don’t dwell on what has happened. Write a list of all the positive things you’ve learnt from this past relationship and then just put it down to experience. Make the commitment to move on with your life. Say a positive affirmation to yourself everyday until you start believing it or until it actually happens, e.g., “I am someone with a great relationship life.”
3. Reframe the situation
Visualise this break up as a new exciting phase in your life where you have the opportunity to root out new people. This is not the end but the beginning of something great!
4. Get rid of the ex
I don’t mean hiring a hit-man, but removing all traces of them from around you, e.g. photos, toothbrush, that present they bought you last Christmas, emails, letters, texts, maybe even his number if you are practically able. You don’t have to burn or dump anything (if you don’t want to) but keep them in a box in a cellar or somewhere out of reach while you get yourself back on your “relationship feet.” You may also want to redecorate and buy new furniture, especially a new bed and bedding.
5. What do you want?
Make a list of what you are looking for in your next partner. Decide what you won’t tolerate in a new relationship and how you want to be treated. Don’t compromise on this and don’t think anyone is out of your league. You may need to build your confidence, self image and self esteem back up but do it. Don’t settle but don’t also go too far the other way and see no one as a possible next suitor.
6. Work on yourself
As stated above you need to ensure that your confidence levels are high, as this is one of the most attractive traits to have. Develop your confidence and self-image by identifying what’s holding you back and deciding how to deal with it. You’ll also have to rediscover how to flirt and be great at dating (see my column next week for some great techniques on this).
7. The future is bright
Make preparations to move on with the rest of your life in a positive and constructive way Put support structures and practical things in place to help you build your new life. For example, you may want to join some dating agencies/websites, let all your friends know you are ready for dating, etc. Get excited about your new future with all its amazing possibilities and ensure you create as many opportunities for yourself as possible. Be happy with the philosophy, “If it feels scary then do it!”
“It wasn’t easy getting over this, but I worked hard and with Rebekah there to help me see that there was something exciting to look forward to, without Tony being there by my side, I’m now unstoppable. In fact I’m looking forward to seeing who my new lover will be and truly believe my new life will be even better.”
Rebekah Fensome is a Life Coach and hypnotherapist based in London. She can be contacted on rebekah.fensome@gmail.com and visit her website www.rebekahfensomelifecoach.com.
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