Mismatching Article
Hayley, 36 had been in a relationship with Tony for 5 months. She felt at the beginning their differences were a good thing and whilst it had been exciting, their relationship was increasingly becoming more like hard work. They were arguing alot and were finding they were now also disagreeing on fundamental life decisions as well as silly little things.
“I’m finding that those differences between me and Tony that were apparent at the beginning are increasingly becoming annoying as our relationship goes on. At the beginning I didn’t think it’d be a problem but it is. We just seem to have completely mismatched values, ideas and thoughts about our lives.”
Through investigation and analysis it became apparent that Hayley and Tony were incompatible. This tends to be one of the biggest reasons for relationship break up and Hayley felt by the end of her coaching sessions that she did have to split up with Tony as she couldn’t see how it was ever going to work in the long term. To help her make the final decision we looked at the following to help her identify whether she was incompatible with Tony or not: –
1. One of the main reasons behind incompatibility is lack of shared values. It is important that a couple discuss their values and if there are some differences decide whether this is a deal breaker for them or not. For example, one partner may not want children or see family as particularly important, whereas the other person may have family as one of their top core values.
2. If there are differences in religious views or ideals then this can lead to big differences over fundamental decisions in the future of the relationship such as how to bring up children, how you’d get married, etc.
3. A common error by one person in the relationship maybe to choose someone who needs emotional support, whether this is to “mother” or “father” them as you feel sorry for them and believe it’s your mission to nurture them to emotional stability. This isn’t the best way to start a relationship and can cause real problems in terms of how you view your role and how the other person views your role. It isn’t necessarily healthy to want to feel needed in a relationship. It’s much better to have an equal partnership where you both support, nurture and challenge each other.
4. It’s important to establish early on in a relationship whether you share an ideal future life. It’s a good idea to find this out and see how matched your ideal future lives are. You may find huge differences in your future ideals, which can’t be negotiated.
5. If there is a difference in life stage, whether it a big age difference, time of life, mindset difference this can all cause incompatibility and mis-matching in a long-term relationship. Unless this can be reconciled then it can all lead to impracticalities and so to a break up.
6. Sometimes people will engage deliberately in a relationship because the person is vastly different to themselves. Maybe this is because they are from a very different culture or country; speak a different language, etc. Whilst these relationships can work very well it’s important to see how big these differences are in line with some of the points already talked about. For example, where will you live, where will your children be brought up, etc.
7. An understanding behind financial issues on each side is necessary. Money can cause many arguments in relationships and eventual break ups. If one partner is a spendthrift and the other likes to save then this can cause big problems.
8. A discussion about how much time you spend with each other can also be a bone of contention. Some people like to spend and do everything with their partners, whereas others believe in having alot of time for themselves and including their partners at different times and situations. This can frequently be a big mis-match in a relationship and can lead to feelings of hurt and rejection if ideas aren’t matched.
9. If two people cant trust each other or communicate effectively then this will always lead to an unhealthy relationship. Trust and good effective communication needs to be established very early on in a relationship for it to go long term.
10. A good way to measure compatibility is to think about how well you connect with someone. You need to connect mentally, physically, socially and spiritually with someone to have a lasting relationship with them.
– Mentally you should share onions, viewpoints and be able to discuss and challenge each other in an exciting way. Do your intellects match?
– Physically there needs to be a strong sexual attraction and spark. This chemistry should draw you both together and bond you. This isn’t normally something you can cultivate and it’s just there or it isn’t. It might be triggered by small things such as how someone looks, moves, speaks, etc.
– Socially the two individuals need to agree on the kinds of people they want as friends. Also, what kinds of things do they enjoy doing in their social lives, etc.
– Spiritually do you connect and have similar views. If one of you believes in making ones own destiny whilst the other is a fatalist then more often than not this will lead to frustration.
As we can see being compatible involves many factors and this is why mis-matching in partnerships is common.
“Through my coaching I really understand what I need from a future relationship. Whilst it’s sad myself and Tony didn’t work out I can clearly see that we just weren’t right for each other. Going on instincts is good but you also need to look at other important factors to make sure your partnership can go the distance.”
Rebekah Fensome is a Life Coach and hypnotherapist based in London. She can be contacted on rebekah.fensome@gmail.com and visit her website www.rebekahfensomelifecoach.com.
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