How to be a Goth
Cheer-up, goth! That’s one of my favourite tshirt slogans that I’ve seen floating around these parts. Seriously, who would want to be a goth? Actually, loads of people, particularly in the gaslit, cobbled Victorian streets of old London. Well, Camden market to be more precise. There’s hundreds of the buggers there, and they’re very easy to spot. So, you still want to dress like a goth? Good. I think. Anyway, I feel a bit silly writing about this sort of thing in my cashmere cardigan, but anyhow, carry on reading for information and giggles:
Top half
For the male, the attire of choice is the trenchcoat. Don’t get me wrong – a trenchcoat can be a very powerful garment on the right person, but seeing as most goths are either overweight neckbearded nerds, or anorexically-skinny, err, neckbearded nerds then a trenchcoat doesn’t sit right on most of them. In order to pull off wearing a trenchcoat convincingly, you need to look like the guys who wear them on stage. Ripped, with bristling abs and bursting biceps. Yeah, muscles really help a lot, but they’re totally not goth. Goth is about weakness and displaying it, rather than portraying strength. Like emo, it’s about expressing your vulnerabilities, but in a less feminine manner. Under the trenchcoat, the true goth will wear a band shirt, most likely being of one of the following bands: Marilyn Manson, Slipknot, Disturbed, Mushroomhead, Machinehead, Nine Inch Nails or anything remotely nu/industrial metal.
Shoes
New rock boots. You can get a pair of these beauties from Camden market, but they usually cost a fortune. These bad-boys are absolute beasts and are built for nothing but sheer height-advantage and size. A number of different varieties are available, with flames, spikes and metal skulls embroidered into the leather. All come with steel toe-caps, of course, which are handy for keeping your precious tootsies away from stampeding feet at metal gigs.
If you aren’t already feeling slightly ridiculous reading this, then by all means, go goth. If you can pull it off well, you’ll look good. If you’re not so confident, however, stick to being a goth admirer, like me, and stay nice and warm in that cashmere knitwear!
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