Do Not Make This Mistake If You Want To Survive Infidelity
There is no doubt that the temptation to separate and ultimately divorce following the discovery of an affair is understandable and justifiable. But that doesn’t mean that you should. There is a better way to try to survive infidelity.
Making the effort to get your marriage into the best possible shape before making a final decision is a much wiser course of action, provided you are both willing. By taking this course of action you can more clearly see what you will be giving up if you decide to divorce. In other words, you should work towards creating a much better relationship than you had before the affair and then and only then decide on your next step.
Remember that whatever you decide to do will fundamentally change your life forever, so give yourself the best possible chance of making the right decision.
To help you make the right decision, you need to talk to someone who can be completely objective. You need someone who will not judge you or your partner whether you survive the infidelity or not. It will be tempting to approach someone who cares about you but that will be a big mistake. Their advice cannot be impartial because they will take sides and they will make decisions based on their own life experiences. They cannot possibly take into account considerations from both sides of the argument.
The problem is that their advice and decisions will be based on their own personal preferences. They may advise you to part because they think that this will protect you from any further pain. They may advise you to stay together because they know you love your partner and they think this is what will make you happy in the long run. They may even base their advice on not wanting to have to deal with the stigma of divorce within the family or social circle.
The advice they give you can be unreliable because you do not know what their motivation might be or on what criteria their advice is based.
It is understandable that you will want to confide in family and friends and they may want to help. You would be disappointed if they didn’t. But it is much better to keep them out of the problem because there is a secondary effect of involving them.
The secondary problem arises when the decision you ultimately make conflicts with what they think you should have done. Imagine if a family member is so outraged when you tell them of the infidelity and their advice is to “leave the scum immediately.” How do you think that family member will react the next time they meet your partner. The chances are that they will treat them really unsympathetically and insensitively.
If you decide to try to survive infidelity, this treatment will continue and make family or social gatherings uncomfortable for years to come. It is quite common for that family member or friend to continue to harbor ill-will and resentment towards your partner long after you have forgiven him/her.
Conversely, if a friend or family member has advised you to remain together but you decide that parting is your best option, the chances are that he/she will think your decision is ill-conceived and may hold this against you for years to come.
So be careful who you decide to confide in. It is very difficult to find someone who can be totally objective. In the end, only you can decide what is best for you. You are the one who has has to live with the consequences of your decisions.
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